7.wats wat??

ermmm..i really dunno how to start.. i hardly update..n nowadays nth excites me at all this whole week...cept when im in collage and at home wif dad n mum[im not mama's girl=.=]

i realize i kinda abit change towards certain ppl.. which is my friends.. ermm.. i dunno wats going on..but i think is me lah.. mayb i dun really social alot dats y ppl dun take me seriously or tok to me or like having a girly tok.. well.i use to have..but i JZ DUNNO..

im now more closer to my collage friends..N i really realize sumthing.. when we go to sum where else n meet to new frenz.. like me when im in high skwel..im really close to my high skwel frenz..n now i hardly keep in contact.. maybe is jz me making no effort kuah..or i cant think of conversation..or we dun have similiarity..i think is me loh..i love all frenz..no matter who they are..which group..we are still frenz.. but i really think is my problem loh.. mayb this really hunts me long time ago during my NS makes me like this being like distance..towards frenz i have not keep in contact..

well..wat happen in NS really impact me alot especially wif the term "friendship"..i didnt share this to nebody. i befrended a girl who also from KL..we both were going fine..real fine.. n one day i accidentally UNCONSIOUSLY said sumthing which sumhow she got offended..i said im REALLY sorry..explaining to her..n the next thing she ignore me completely.. she didnt forgive me[she's a christian] soo..okayy..i jz gave her space..n we got distance.. n so one day i confronted her..n she told me she forgave me n she ask me shut my mouth n dun tok... well dat really hit me.. i was kinda shock..n i jz walk away..feeling hurt, rejected.. the reason i tell nebody about this..is bcoz i cant bring myself to say..bcoz.. i feel very pressured especially at church...i dunno~~~i really DUNNO!!!

i feel more comfertable wif my family..but recently im really upset wif one of brother.. since hardly nobody see my blog..so i jz telling it out..bcoz is killing me inside..im jz feeling down about this recently..really upset about my brother.. i finally managed to tell my close coll fren, jamie..it kinda free me abit, although she jz smile n nvr say nething, i feel a lil bit better:)...

im saying dat..when my bro didnt come back from sumwhere, his frenz will come to me n ask where is he? dats the FIRST thing ask me.. i said he is still at dat place.. n they jz walk off.. or when he is not at certain place n im there fer practice..his fren come to me n ask him again..seldom they ask about me..which im grateful fer dat..the reason i feel pressure..is i feel ppl noe me as im his sister..i mean dats wert i feel lah..im not blaming them..afterall they all are close.. is fine loh.. i dun mind.. as long i help them, remember their bday, or nething..im fine bcoz im their frenz too.. i dun care if they dun remember my bday..i dun care.. but my bro bday jz recently last week over..b4 his bday even come they even tok about it oledi..this really make me sad loh.. they remember him n i sumhow feel push away from them..i jz brush it off..do noe sumthing..non of his fren didnt wish me but onli one person which im really grateful about it..am i not their fren too? at times i really wan to cry but i jz hold up.but today i jz cry loh..let it out..

the other thing about my bro is.. he hardly spent time wif us FAMILY!!!..friday he come back, nite he oledi go out fer mamak..nvm..since friday my house got CG..saturday..morning till afternoon..he go out again..till late nite..morning..onli me, mum[sumtimes at home], dad goes to work..he is a great christian..n i really admire him dat he go to prayer meets, n TU without fail..but after dat..he will go out n eat dinner wif them..n onli me, mum n dad will be having dinner together..sunday, we all go to church, n lunch..he follow his frens again fer lunch..n me follow my parents..do u see it?..he didnt spent time wif us family.. n dat really make me really piss off, angry wif him.. i see my fren relationship between their siblings..im REALLY JEALOUS!!yes i admit im jealous...y cant he be the same like them..or do the same thing as them..[do u noe sumthing, i nvr had a face to face tok to him, if got oso..last like how long??]im really happy when he gave me presents n i keep them very carefully..the most precious thing he gave me was this necklace he get from me from china..n WITHOUT fail i wear it all the time..no matter where i go..n when ppl ask me where did i get this nice necklace..i will proudly say is from him..n i like to see my frenz smiling at me, saying ur bro is so nice.. im jz so really sad dat i cant stop crying now..well wat can i do..? is him..afterall..i cant force him..i feel like i dunno who is he oledi..he hardly at home..well wat to do he is studying mah..but when he is at home..he is REALLY hardly at home..which my mum jokingly said..this house is like a hotel to him..

im really happy when he have holiday or sem break where he stay at home all the time..i really like it..i jz..dunno..i feel..upside down..well..mayb dats the reason i dun really tok to him..onli when i ask him things..i wonder he remember dat we all family going out fer dinner together to celebrate his belated birthday..n i feel bad dat i didnt wish happy birthday to him face to face..i really felt bad..i jz onli msg him..[bad zhizheng huh?]bcoz i was really upset about this!!being around wif his frenz now..i..feel..different..

n being feeling distance wif my frenz..mayb im jz a LONER..past still hunts me..shut my mouth..wat i scared the most? REJECTION...i cant take rejection..i'll breakdown..n me..i think im not really socialize nemore.. i think i prefer to be alone..but sumtimes i cant stand it..i walk away..dats wat i do after TU..or nething..i jz cant bring myself...im more to homely type..well..my bro use to..but now..i dunno~~ppl see me normally..but actually inside..is different..

im not blaming my frenz..but im blaming myself......................................i am GRATEFUL to have frenz..im not complaining...telling wat i feel..n i feel better abit....but i sumhow feeling bad n guilty too..

signing out...